The Sexual Identity of a Biracial Christian Female

Ugh! This is so hard for me to talk about. I want to be clear that this is NOT a COMING OUT! This is going to be a rant about my personal feelings, my experiences, and internalized homophobia.

I use this blog/podcast as a safe space. I work through my feelings here, and if I am helping another woman out in this crazy world, even if it's just for second, I feel like I have accomplished SOMETHING.

This is really difficult for me to talk about because I am ashamed for the emotions that I feel towards women. This week is a very vulnerable topic for me, and I hope that I am met with grace as I navigate this.

I don't struggle with my identity. I know who I am as a person. I know who I want to be. I know my core values. Yet, I am VERY confused about my sexuality.

I had a single mother when I was growing up. My father wasn't in the picture often. When he was, I was scared. We did NOT have a good relationship. Throughout the course of my life, I had VERY bad relationships with men. I ALWAYS feel safe around women. To me, men are unpredictable. I also really value deep connections. I struggle with men because I don't feel like I connect with them.

I don't feel like they are as in touch with their emotions. I am an EXTREMELY sensitive woman. I love to communicate about my feelings, I cry a lot, I get angry a lot, I have BIG EMOTIONS (most people would call me dramatic, but I feel like that has negative connotations). Women are typically nurturing and understand how to properly cater to my emotions, which I like.

I am also a very masculine woman. Not in the sense where I am dressing like a man. LMFAOOOOOOOO. Yo, chill. What I mean is that I have a strong personality. I also have a desire for power. I am also all about "doing" and I am very action-oriented and strong willed. I like structure, I like rules, I like routine, I like discipline, and I like logistics.

Since I have this masculine energy, it is really hard for me to find a man that can make me want to submit to him (which is what the bible tells me to do).

In church, they have explained to me that a woman can submit to the right man. I have just yet to have that experience. I am often combative and I also struggle to trust the leadership of men, because men often fail me.

So far, women have not failed me. If anything, they're supportive, kind, trustworthy, and they smell good. LMFAOOO. (I have never met a woman that smells like SHIT, but, I have met many men).

Before I turned to Christianity, I was sure that I identified as "pansexual." I did some research at a young age and I think the term really resonated with me. I was also in musical theater a lot, so I was around the gay community, and I always felt accepted for whoever/whatever I wanted to be.

I remember briefly having a conversation with my mom about who I was. We were walking my dog, Alfreddo, when I was about 14. I told her I have decided that I love everyone. I don't care about their body parts. I remember feeling dismissed after the conversation.

When I finally got to college, age 18, I decided to officially "come out" (At this point, I was still not Christian). When I did so, I was met with a terrible reaction from my family. They told me I wasn't allowed to come home for holidays and told me that they would no longer support me through college. I was also called a bunch of homophobic slurs. It was really painful to be hated by the people that I love. So, I decided it was better to negate that side of myself so that my family would love me.

I decided to convert to Christianity when I was 20 years old. My family was not super religious, and did not put a lot of pressure on me to believe in anything. But, I fell in love with God. I truly believe that he saved me from a lot of disruption that was in my life.

I am an avid church-goer! I love being surrounded by people who have a mutual love for God. I really feel like I am spiritually connected to him when I am there. But, they preach a lot of homophobic messages, and it's really left me HATING myself.

I would say to myself 'I hate that I feel sexual emotions towards women. I hate that there is apart of me that wants to come out to the world and live however I want to."

I can sit here and tell you... ITS OKAY TO BE WHO YOU ARE! LOVE IS LOVE! BE FREE!

But, this is NOT what this blog post is about. I'm gonna be real as fuck. I am going to be honest as fuck.

I am going to therapy to work through this. My therapist is SUPER progressive and helpful. I think she is SO beneficial and helps me see life through a lens outside of my own, since, I am so religious. I know that there are a lot of rules in religion. There may even be some people who shame me for not seeing a Christian therapist. But, I truly believe that God put this woman in my life for a reason. She truly understands me in a ways that I feel most don't.

Before we get into this, I want to explain what internalized homophobia is, because honestly, I didn't understand what it meant until I educated myself.

Internalized homophobia and oppression happens to gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and even heterosexuals. People in the LGBTQ+ community have been taught that being gay is bad. They have learned that being "straight" is the norm and "the correct way to be." As a result, people can struggle with a number of internal battles.

I have learned that being gay is "bad." I learned it was bad when my family disowned me. I learned it was bad in church.

When I first heard the term "internalized homophobia" I was scared because I didn't want to be homophobic.

This whole concept was really hard for me to understand at first, because I am not outwardly homophobic. I am homophobic to myself internally. I tell myself that it's okay for other people to be who they are. Yet, it's not okay for ME.

I am a biracial woman, and I really struggle with fitting into society. I don't want to add another label to myself that is going to add another layer and make it more difficult for myself. to "fit in"

I get it. "It's okay to be different!".... for everyone else. But, not for me.

ALL OF THIS BOILED DOWN TO A TOTALLY SERIOUS QUESTION FOR ME...

IS SEXUALITY A CHOICE?

I can only answer this question for myself.. and the answer (in my human experience) is YES.

I am attracted to men. I am attracted to women. But, I HAVE BEEN actively choosing to portray myself to the world as "straight" because I did NOT want to add another struggle for myself.

AM I WRONG FOR CHOOSING TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH A MAN?

Obviously, the answer to this question is NO LMAO.

I place a LOT of value on family. I love the idea of me and my favorite person in the whole wide world combining to create a new little person in the whole wide world who I love more than ANYTHING.

If I choose to spend my life with a woman, I will be unable to have children with my favorite person. It's just biology, and it sucks that we haven't discovered a way to have a way for same sex couples to procreate.

But, I have to make a choice.

Am I okay living my life with a man and negating parts of myself for the sake of my family/ future family?

or

Do I want to have a chance to accept myself for who I really am and find someone (whether man or woman) that I genuinely LOVE. Do I feel comfortable limiting myself?

Now, this is SUCH a complicated and complex question and I am going to be completely honest. THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. But, there is a right answer for ME.

Now, there are two extreme takes on the situation...

DON'T SPEAK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT'S OKAY TO *Be WhO YOu Are! YoU Are PorTrAyiNg A NEgAtiVe MEssAGE*

or DON'T SPEAK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT'S NOT CHRISTIAN! YOu ArE NoT a ReAL CHrISTiAn FoR fEElING tHIs WAY.

So, to protect myself, I will not be giving the answer to this question. It's okay for me to keep my personal life, personal.

Q+A

@adysonngillispieeee asked: How do you have confidence in yourself?

SO, I loved this question so much that I had to put it first. But, to explain this, I have to tell a story!

The other day, a girl called me fat. LMAO. I don't view myself as fat. She looked at my weight while I was doing a fitness scan. I weight 155. I'm not ashamed of my weight. I work out 5 days a week. I have put on a lot of muscle and my body has changed a lot since I was a teenager. I put a lot of value on being strong asf. I want to be able to protect myself.

So, she called me fat. Now, I was taken aback by this comment because it was in front of other people and I felt as if she was trying to EMBARASS me.

I felt angry in the moment. If I were to say anything right in the moment, then I don't htink I would have been able to handle the situation properly. I decided to take a few minutes to calm myself down. Then, I reflected on why she might be saying this to me. Maybe, she's self conscious. Maybe, there's something about me that she is jealous of.

This made me feel a little better. But, I needed some time ot recenter and take care of myself because I was angry. My feelings are valid. My experience was valid. I had to deal with my experience, but I also needed to consider my sister in that moment.

After I calmed down, I asked to speak to her privately. I did not want to make her feel the way she made me feel by saying it in front of others. I told her that my feelings were hurt by her words. I also explained that she doesn't know what others are going through. So, it is important to be kind. She explained to me that she was "joking." I told her "I understand that and you still hurt my feelings." I respected myself in this moment. By respecting myself, I boosted my self esteem. I needed to communicate with her because I did not want her belittling me in the future.

@yahtibaby asked: How would you tactfully cut someone off?

This is such a good question! I am the queen of cutting people off. At first, I found it really difficult because I have people pleasing tendencies, but I have been practicing the art of boundary setting! I have also been discovering my core values! What is important to me? I talked about this in last week's blog post, but recently, I googled the top 200 core values people had and I selected 30 of the most important to me!

First, it is really important to discover what these values are. Then, we ask some major questions:

1. Does this person align with my core values?

2. Does this person respect my boundaries?

3. Am I willing to put in effort towards this relationship?

If you've answered no to any of these questions, then it's probably best to cry about it, look hot, and move on!

Before we cry about it, look hot, and move on... we need to do the act of cutting the person off

So, how do we cut off someone tactfully?

For this, I like to look at the Bible! I know we all have different interpretations! But, for me, it's really important that I am sensitive to others emotions while protecting myself. There is NO reason to stay in an environment of emotional endangerment and mistreatment!

So here is "Destiny's Guide to Tactfully Cutting Someone Off!"

1. Have that uncomfortable, dreadful, awkward conversation while maintaining poise and grace!

I know this is the worst! It totally sucks! But, I have learned when I am honest, it boosts my self-esteem and my self-respect. Sometimes we get so consumed by the feelings of others, that we forget that our own feelings are important too. So, if you struggle with self-esteem (like I do) I remind myself by letting go of attachments that are no longer serving me is how I show love to myself.

2. In the end, I remember its not about you and him (or her). It's about you and Him!

It's possible that this person will never change! But, God will work in YOU! It's important to remember that this person is NOT your enemy!

One day, when this person gets older and wiser they'll recognize their wrong-doings. They'll remember where you went right and they'll also remember where you went wrong! If you meet them with anger, they'll remember your anger. If you meet them with patience, they'll remember your patience! Even if he (or she) doesn't recognize it, you will. How did you meet this person? You will remember it!

3. Examine your heart. Grow in humility

Time for self reflection!

@mattlumene asked: were you more fun or business during your college years ?

Lmao, this is a really good question! My first two years of college, I was in relationships! I didn't really get to experience what partying was like because I was so focused on being the "perfect" girfriend. So, I didn't go out much!

After my first heartbreak, I took some time to heal. I went to a really small school, maybe about 2,000 students. I decided it wasn't really the school for me. So, I ended up transferring to a bigger college.

When I got to the school, I would go out with my girlfriends maybe twice a month! I was able to experience it, but the scene wasn't really for me. It got to a point when where I was going out, I was abusing the alcohol. I wasn't just having a few cocktails. I even got myself in some bad situations. So, I decided that this lifestyle just wasn't for me.

@mattlumene also asked: You single?

LMAOOOOO, yes! I am. But, I am super overwhelmed with my blog/podcast, obtaining my masters, and work. I also make A LOT of time for my friends. I really value my friendships and pride myself on being a good friend. I don't think I can handle another person right now. I also haven't met someone that I am absolutely obsessed with. So, I am just enjoying my singleness right now! Sometimes, I get in my feels because I would love to snuggle at night. But, I think God wants me to explore my individuality and I have learned to love my singleness!

@shootsxjeff asked: is it more difficult to find true love today than it was back then or vice versa?

I think that dating apps have made it really easy to connect with people. I think it can be used as a tool! But, I really value genuine connections. So, I like when men come up to me in public and connect with me in real life.

I do think it's easier to connect with people through the phone. But, genuine relationships are really difficult to find. But, since I wasn't around back then it's hard for me to answer this question. I guess I would say we really have to figure out if these relationships were healthy. There was less emphasis on mental health and working through relationships, men were abusive, women were abusive, etc.

I would almost say with the change happening now its easier to have a HEALTHY relationship.

@Curvedboy asked: What are green flags you look for in a relationship?

I talked about this a little bit earlier, but it's really important to look at your values. What might be a YUM for you might be a YUCK for me. So, it really depends on you individually.

The top 3 qualities I look for are spirituality (a person of God), compassion, and discipline. For you, it might look different!

@theianmdoherty asked: do you still sing?

HAHAHA, I do karaoke with my friends sometimes, but besides that NOT really LMAO. But, it is definitely something I enjoy and maybe later in life I will pick it up again. I really prioritized having a secure future because security is really important to me. I felt like singing was risky business. I want to have a family one day and I want to be able to support them. I wasn't sure I was going to make it.

@j_loading.2 asked: "What's your worst memory about high school?"

I don't think I have a "worst memory." High school was really rough for me. I had just moved out of my old town, and I was discovering who I was. I had a lot of failed friendships and I was also one of the only POC in my entire school so it was hard for me to fit in.

If I could go back in time, I would try to get more involved in sports and different group activities. I have always been the type of girl where instead of trying to fit in, I rebel. But, I missed out on a lot of opportunities because I didn't want to participate in anything. I was so unsure of myself and who I was. I didn't understand how much I had to offer this world and how beautiful I was. I wish I had more self esteem to want to participate in activities to make friends!

okay, friends! that's all I have for you this week! hope you enjoyed! Leave a comment <3